Something that has been thrown under the spotlight since becoming parents is that our lives (like so many people’s in this stage of capitalism) were a cyclical pattern of unsustainable daily living, punctuated by a break in which to recover and recoup, before doing it all again.
Whether we were on a white collar schedule or a service industry one, our work week would involve pouring out energy during the work day fueled by just enough sustenance to keep us going and just enough sleep to function the next day, albeit at slightly lower energy and performance levels. Then the break would come (either at the weekend or midweek) and we catch up on sleep, take time to prepare a lovingly cooked meal and maybe meal prep, and indulge in life-giving hobbies until it comes around again.
I’ve suffered from this all-in approach to work my entire life and, while I always knew it was not a healthy way to balance my life, I found it hard to quit.
Then I became a parent… And apparently my new job (keeping my baby alive and happy) is my new all-in. It’s as though I have been training for this my whole life – but the strategy I previously perfected is completely unsuitable for the present situation.
I soon realized that there are no days off. No days to sleep in until mid-day, or hyperfocus on my latest crafting obsession, play back-to-back games of LoL all night with friends, turn up at a party and stay out until brunch, or spend 7 hours on meal prep whilst binging a series. Instead, there are bleary-eyed nappy changes, middle of the night teething screams, endless laundry, and all the (literally) trappings that come with a high needs baby.
As the primary caregiver of a breastfed, contact-napping, cosleeping, velcro baby, I need to find ways to top up my cup in the slivers of time I get to claim as mine. I can’t wait for a day off, or even until nap-time, so what can I do instead?
These are my main tactics:
- Brush my teeth all the time: it took me 50 hours of being a new parent to realize that if I don’t brush my teeth right now, I might not get a chance to brush them again for the rest of the day. I soon realized this was pretty much the case for all self-care! I started washing my face at 3 in the afternoon, just so I could get it washed. AM/PM skincare routines? Honestly, if a serum touches my skin today I consider it a win. I simplified my routines into one baby-friendly 4-step that I’ll be sticking to until he weans.
- Babywearing: I have photos of my baby in a stretchy wrap at 2 weeks old. I don’t remember consciously deciding to wrap him that early, but I suspect I figured out then what I now depend on to be true – if I leave him alone, I will have (at most) 60 seconds to complete a task, but if I wear him I can take my time and he might even take a nap. We were babywearing pros together before confinement even ended.
- Combo-feed: ok, hear me out with this one… I realize that formula has played its part in modern colonialism, and the main manufacturers are complicit in bold-faced exploitation of markets around the world that has resulted in countless children becoming malnourished. In no way am I advocating formula over breastfeeding where breastfeeding works for you and your baby. However, if you’ve digested my breastfeeding story, you’ll know that it wasn’t a 100% success for us. In spite of my best efforts, and my baby being a very willing participant, we resorted to supplemental formula. And I am so glad we did, because I would have struggled to sustain breastfeeding and pumping at the levels we were previously at, along with the rest of my baby’s needs. By offering formula feeds, I have been able to ask other people to help feed him while I shower or drive! With a high-needs baby, formula has been a much-needed breath of fresh air in our relationship that has allowed me to continue to hold him close the rest of the time.
- Portable hobbies: I’ve already shared my knitting and yoga here before, and I’m happy to say these are both activities that I’ve been able to successfully weave into my daily life in early parenthood. By working on circular needles, I can pretty much always have a project ready to pick up or set down, and can even prop myself up on a pillow to knit small items whilst my baby takes a nip-nap! Not to mention there is no shortage of things to make for a growing child… And while I may not make it through an hour-long power yoga session, I sneak small yoga flows into my day, much to my baby’s delight.
I’m still working on more sustainable routines for us, and I do my best to stay flexible and open to my baby’s needs. I’m grateful that we’ve been able to move things around to make it work for me to be a stay-at-home parent for now, as our baby’s personality became clear to us during my parental leave, as I know not everyone can do this.
I still find myself having to fend off other people’s comments and judgement a fair bit, especially older generations, as well as my own self-talk when confronted by younger babies who take independent naps or play by themselves for extended periods (20 minutes or more!). But honestly, as time goes on, my acceptance grows and I am better able to appreciate the closeness we share through this constant contact.
If you’re juggling a high-needs baby with your own needs, I’d love to find out what works for you (and what doesn’t!). I’ll probably write a follow-up at some point, as baby grows and his needs shift, so I’m looking forward to seeing what changes over time.
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